New Leaf...

I've been a jerk in the past, especially with regards to my actions over the Internet.  One need only read the previous contents of this blog to discover that.  However, today I am turning over a new leaf, one where I am no longer verbally abusive to those who disagree with me.  I hereby design to be more cavalier, and to behave civially and with kindness in my actions.
And to those I have previously abused, allow me to offer my sincere apologies.

Hypocrites!

The Internet is slowly destroying my faith in mankind. Seriously, we're getting so screwed up that we're going to bomb ourselves stupid just to see what death feels like. Nearly anything you'll find on the Internet makes the human race look that stupid.
Particularly, I'm reffering to a very long, and extremely boring movie here. Don't watch it; your time is too precious. I turned it off right after I heard something about mormon temples. They look like this:



Beautiful, isn't it? I mean, after all, the church has spent buckets of money getting it that way. And that's what this guy said, claiming that it seems to him that Mormons are spending too much on this fancy stuff, when they could be helping the poor.
The debate is to show the difference between mainstream Christianity and Latter Day Saint Christianity. The mainstream Christian stuck his foot so far down his mouth with that comment that it came out his butt and swirled back in. I have photo evidence that they do the same exact thing.



That's right punks, your "bling bling." You spend a whole friggin' lot on gold and fancy crud too. And tons of people waste their money on this stuff; I'd find it hard to believe that you don't spend more than we spend on temples.
Now, here's the difference that saves us from your hipocracy: ours is the house of the Lord. We're spending money to give God the best of the best. You're just spending it to hang a bit of gold around your neck.
You sicken me, hypocrites!

Message Boards Are Good

I need people to use my message board. I've even changed one of the rules on it to make it more fun. You will be transferred there shortly. It doesn't matter what you post; just post something! There's even a flaming forum if you want to bash me, whether for a good reason or not. Be aware of the new rule if you're going to the flaming forum; although I won't ban you from there, there is another surprise.

Violence is Good

Hippies everywhere, you are fools. I've been thinking so hard the universe imploded twice and I had to build a time machine to go fix it so nobody would know. If you think long and hard, you realize violence will save the world.
Now, there's a lot of you out there who haven't thought this through. You keep living in this utopian fantasy you've built in your head where everybody loves eachother, and we all smoke pot. First, I'm never smoking pot. Second, no matter what you do somebody will always hate you.
Given that, the only way to achieve peace is to become a powerful jerk who doesn't take crap from anybody. Let's take the war in Afghanistan, for example. The Taliban thought that they could fend off the United States. Why? Because too many of us have this hippy crap drilled into our skulls. They realize that we'll try to cause as little lifeloss as possible. However, if we were to bring back the styling we had at Nagasaki in WWII, any government in the world would think twice before crossing us. The Taliban would have handed over Osama bin Laden already if the US kicked that much butt.
Now, I know what you're thinking. If the US had the power to strike fear into the hearts of everyone, some moron would get elected who would abuse this awsome power for his own purposes. I've already thought of that. You see, all we have to do is build a robot that will pass judgement according to democracy (except when everyone's being idiots, then he takes charge like a robot should). Sure it'll cost a lot, but it's worth it for world peace.
If you know his e-mail, send this to the president of the United States.

I Know Everything

Yeah, that title is a bit self-concieted. But so what? I tried this before when I was getting less traffic, so let's try this again. I can answer every question. Click the link below for more info on this claim.
Last time I tried this, people didn't know what I meant. I started getting trivia. Why waste such a talent on trivia? Any trivia sent to me will be ignored. Send me deeply theological questions, like "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and I'll make up an answer off the top of my head. Since I know everything, it'll have to be right, no matter how messed up it is.
This will be sort of like the expired comic, Captain Ribman.
Send your questions to leo.damascus@gmail.com.

To get things rolling, how about if I anser that example question.
Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A: It has to be the chicken. Otherwise, how the heck did the egg get here? Some people may think you can't get the chicken without the egg, but they're forgetting the awsome power of radiation. The chicken is a radioactive mutation of clowns. Where did the clowns come from? Somebody bought them off Ebay. Ebay has always existed; it just hasn't always been on the Internet.
There's no way you can argue with that.

Stuff that Annoys Me

The next time somebody tries to pass me on when I'm travelling the speed limit, their car will be mysteriously rammed off the road. Heck, I like to go just as fast as the other guy, but these people are going to cost me $60 for a speeding ticket by making me think I'm going slow.
Another thing that annoys me is how some bloggers like to stop their preview right in the middle of the sentance, like anybody cares.... Ok, actually I'm making fun of these people who feel that clicking to continue reading is such a big chore.
Lazy Blog Reader: 0 n0 he r teh make me click taht r s0 hard!!!!1
These people need to be irradicated from the face of the planet. A click is not a hard thing to do, especially when it saves you time from the scrolling wheel. These people seriously need to take a web design class sometime in their lives! Call themselves net-savy!
I also hate how I was forced to move out of my dorm. My family is leaving for Washington D.C. before I move in, so pretty soon I'm going to be completely homeless. Not to mention, I had to move everything, when I had spent the previous night up all night cleaning for this stupid move.
Ok, glad I got that off my chest. You may continue wasting your life away.

Spambots!

If you look at the comments for my last post, you'll see I've been hit by spambots. That is, you will if I haven't deleted them by the time you read this post.
Now somebody's going to call me on hypocrisy for this one. "Chris, you said you don't mind ads!" That's true, but remember the following:

1. I have a section of my message board dedicated to random ads. It's empty and needs to be used.
2. Comment rule #4 states that I don't want spam. That means comments must be relevant.

Here's an example of what was posted:

President Bush Indicted for Podcasting?
Two pieces of blog related news today centered around the President of the United States have nothing to do with his stance on speaking with Iraq War protesters, making millions by injecting Jose Canseco and ...

I really enjoy reading your blog. Another bookmark, I would say.

_______________
teenage hairloss [link removed] related stuff!

The article was about werewolves. I assume the spambot programmer decided I wouldn't delete the post if it sounded like I'd made a fan, hence the bookmark comment. Then there's all of that Bush crap. The programmer figured all blogs talk about Bush, and never vampires and werewolves, therefore nobody would notice this. And lastly, the actual ad. It scanned the post and noticed the words hairy and conditioner. I was talking about werewolves when I said hairy, and conditioner to emphasize how gay vampires are.
Checkmate, spambot! You've been discoverd!
I don't care about hairloss. Baldness does not run in my family, and I've got more hair on my head than Robin Williams has on his whole body! I'm happy with my hair!
Too bad spammer. Better luck next time!

Werewolves are Better than Vampires

This has been a subject of heated discussion for me lately. I mean, who the heck would want to be a vampire? Vampires are gay!
Case in point, look at this guy:



What's he going to do, kill you with his conditioned hair? Or better yet, slap you with his limp wrist (which is covered by his frilly dress, by the way)?
Now, sure there's this whole sucking your blood thing which is pretty rugged, but nothing compared to any other monster.
If a monster were to bite me and turn me into it, I'd much rather it were a werewolf. I mean, look at how awsome they are!



Oh man, I get goosebumps just thinking about how awsome being a werewolf would be! Somebody looks at you wrong and their voicebox is dangling in your teeth! Not to mention you're a hairy beast!
Let's compare their weaknesses, because weaknesses are what will stop you from being the awsome monster you are.

Werewolves:
Silver Bullet

That's it. Nothing else can kill a werewolf. On the other hand, what about vampires?

Vampires:
The Sun
Garlic
Wooden Stake
Lowercase letter "t"

How many people are carrying around a silver bullet? And better yet, if you can afford the silver bullet, how'd you afford the gun? Only rich people can kill werewolves, and they're usually too big of pansies to do that anyway. Any idiot with two sticks can make a cross, though. So werewolves win!
Plus werewolves aren't assosiated with goths. Friggin' goths! Ugh, now I hate vampires even more!
Lousy vampires!

Format?

I pride myself on my blog's ability at interaction. I mean, I put on a link to my AIM account, I've got a link to my e-mail, I have comments, I have a message board, etc. I've even been asking about my blog in other forums. Consequently, I've been getting some feedback on my blog, and the only real critisism was my multi-page layout, which I chose to clean things up. So now I present the following poll:
Click Here to Vote
Personally, I'm voting for my way, since I went to so much trouble to create it, and after all, it worked for Maddox. He currently outranks XiaXue, another blogger in my same genre who uses the other format.

Why I'm Also and Idiot

I know what you all are thinking: *gasp* *shock* *horror* Chris
admitting to idiocy? Yes I am, although not the worst I've had
recently. The worst has to be the guy who lit his own pants on fire
yesterday and took 2 minutes putting it back out. At one point he was even just standing there with his pants ablaze, not taking any action.
But even so, I've finally learned the following lesson:
Sleep is a nessecary evil.
Last night marked the first time I've attempted to stay up all night. I
did not go to sleep at all last night. I even downed sugar water to
make sure I stay up all night. I made it to 24 and a half hours until I passed out.
That means I lost the contest to stay up. Travis, I think, is the winner, with 27 hours without sleep.
This contest kills you the next day. I mean, absolutely no getting up to finish
anything. So now I ... *snores*

The Word "Probably"

Have you ever noticed how often idiots use the word "probably?" It's only one thing in the whole profile of things that make idiots, but today it just hit me.
I don't mean using "probably" such as in: I should probably do this, but I'd rather not. I mean the use of probably where people take hypothetical situations as evidence. For example, there's this gem from my own hate mail:

she was probably looking at a picture of brigham young BEHIND your ugly @#% and comparing you two.

You see, he's making the assumption that

a. There was a picture of Brigham Young in the room.
b. That it happened to be in my eyes.

And as soon as he finds out that none of the above is true, his comment is thrown completely out the window. And that always happens when you pretend something that probably happened/will happen is ample evidence.
So that you know I am not being entirely presumptuous, I also present the following not related to this blog.

classic rock music is what started the music that you probably listen to today.

Am I the only one noticing a grammatical pattern here? It seems like use of the word "probably" has a direct correlation with not capitalizing the first letter in a sentence. Now, I'm not saying all people who don't capitalize use probably as evidence; I'm just saying they're morons.
Like in the previous example, this person is also making assumptions.

a. This guy listens to music inspired by classic rock (even though he said he respected classical music).
b. His comment means jack.

I mean, seriously, who cares what inspired what?
Let me clarify quickly, because I like some classic rock (Doobie Brothers, Queen, some Beach Boys, and others). The classic rock referred to in this comment is the bubblegum of the old days, such as the Beetles or the Monkees. A prime example of what I'm talking about includes the Monkees, actually.
Smashmouth "I'm a Believer" vs. Monkees "I'm a Believer."
It's the same song, except Smashmouth's came a whole lot later. But the Monkees had an awful part where they tried to pass of "De Doom De Doom De" as a legitimate instrumental. Smashmouth realized that that was killing the whole song, and replaced it instead with a guitar solo, which instantly made the song less awful and more awesome.
I'll keep you posted on that list. But now I'm tired, and I want some sleep. So in closing, I am your master.

The Frog

I've developed a new mathematical formula: C = P. This formula refers to any object in the world. C is the object's crappiness, and P is it's popularity. Examples include (not in order of crappiness):
1. Eminem
2. Anime
3. Vampires
4. (See picture below)

"Crazy Frog has held No 1 spot for five weeks on the Eurochart. It also ranks No 2 in Finland, No 2 in Sweden, No 2 in Austria, No 1 in Wallonia, and No 1 in Norway. Estimated European sales are over one million to date." (http://top40-charts.com/news.php?nid=16407)

During my 3 1/2 years in Europe, the last two where sheer torture, mostly due to that stupid frog ring tone, which aired on TV commercials nearly every commercial break (sometimes twice), and on people's cell phones. It features a frog, with anatomy usually non-existent in frogs, pretending he's on a motorcycle with a high pitched engine (Click here to hear it, but you'll be sorry). Now I come to learn that the USA has picked up on it too!
Not in my country!
So here's my plan. First off, I train a bunch of babies from birth to become ninjas. These ninjas will be pre-programmed to destroy any phones using, radios playing, TVs displaying, or people imitating that stupid frog (by the way, I mean Batman Begins style ninjas, not anime scantily clad female style "ninjas"). Once all my ninjas are capable of pulling out a guy's heart and showing it to him, I'll find the moron responsible for this frog and unleash my ninjas. One of them will rip out his voicebox and feed it to the bloodhounds that'll appear out of nowhere. Another will rip off his fingers, so he can't do anything with cell phones anymore. Then the last one will gut him for good measure.
I hate that frog.

Another Reason People Are Idiots

SHUT THE @#% UP if all you do is judge people you are pathetic. your too busy with thinking your the @#% to see that people like you are tha reason sane people commit violent crimes. my guess is that you were once picked on so now the only way you feal good is by thinking everyone else has a problem when your the one who needs to rethink your whole life

This was posted on an associate of mine's blog (the associate calls himself "The Epitome of Macho"). It was in response to a very well written critique of today's popular music. The critique was awesome.
But apparently, some people were way too wussified to take any critique. They feel that people like "The Epitome of Macho" make the world a worse place because "all [they] do is judge people."
There's the hypocritical statement of the year. Think about it; by accusing somebody of being too judgemental, aren't you judging them?
But the cold fact is that judging others is necessary. Take, for example, getting a job. When you sit down, your employer judges whether or not you'll be a good employee, or if you'll be one of those people who can't do the job. An employer's not going to waste $25,000 a year giving a failure a salary. He's going to judge you to be a lazy mooch and fire your sorry self for incompetency.
The biggest load I hear from people like this (usually "Gangstas") is that that's "just they way they are" and they "can't change." Bull crap! You weren't born with those ugly, oversize headphones growing off of your ears! You weren't born with an iPod you destroyed yourself to make it look "Ghetto!" You did all those yourself, moron! All you'd need to do to change is take off those crappy headphones and stop listening to that awful "Ghetto" crap. It's that easy; people do it every day!
You're a failure at life, purposely destroying what intellect possessed that brain of yours before you started listing to that crap. You are the filth of society. Don't like people telling you that? Stop being that; it's simple enough. Suddenly you'll notice people stop judging you. Problem solved, idiot!

Update: I thought I'd include this just to solidify my point, since I don't even have to comment on this one.

@#% @#% is ure pr0blem u b actin like u a mach0 wen ure pr0bablii n0t n u a n0 life dat all u d0 is b @#% ppl n h0pe u die instead 0f 0ther ppl died ure pr0bablii mahh uglii n h0w da @#% u b tellin me 2 learn english wen da 1 dat sh0uld g0 2 an ESL class iz u cause u dunt n0e h0w 2 speak english n dunt even n0e h0w 2 read mayb....n by da waii n0t every1 is like u we aint dirty like we g0t mannerz @#% head...nwaiiz ima leae ure xanga cause its so0o uglii n if u rite bak in my @#% watch cause i dunt like @#% 0ld ppl b ritin in it...o01z....

Harry Potter and the Army of Crybabies

Who's read the recent Harry Potter? I haven't, and yet I still know what happened, because some people don't know the meaning of the phrase "shut up, kid!"
If you haven't read the end of the book, don't read the rest of this post (consider this your spoiler warning). Apparently, almost the entire Harry Potter fanbase is crying their eyes out because Dumbledore is killed. For instance, this made it onto a Harry Potter Livejournal web site:

''Is anyone else in complete and utter shock about who just died and how, or am I the only one?"

''I am in shock. @#%, I can't believe what I just read. I spent like the last three chapters bawling my eyes out. I'm just in shock, pure utter shock."

Complete and utter shock about Dumbledore dying? How could he die; he never existed in the first place! To bring him back to "life" (or rather as much life as he had before) all you need to do is write the words "Dumbledore came back to life" on a piece of paper! No loss here!
According to the Boston Globe web site, 15-year-old Sara Sokolove said:

"Harry Potter is not just a book; it's an entire world that becomes very real to you. People use Harry Potter books as a distraction to their own lives. To escape."

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. If you really need to escape from your life, you're screwing it up yourself (especially for 15 year olds, who's parents still buy them food, clothing, grooming materials, most likely an allowance, electricity, room and board, etc.). If that's the case, you have far more important things to be doing (like fixing your life) than reading Harry Potter books.
Life's awsome for you if you think about it. We have enough money that we don't starve, few of us have to worry about being mudered, medical care rocks hard, etc. Alright, so there's people who don't have these problems and can't escape them, but they're not going out and buying these Harry Potter books. Stop your crying and enjoy your life, you pansy!
This Harry Potter's a poorly written book, anyway. It reads exactly like a fanfiction, crappy editting, script-like feel and all! Don't believe me? Compare the writing quality of this and the new book (it's an old Harry Potter fanfiction I started when I was around 13, but never finished). You know what, on second thought, don't. We need more good writers, not trashy ones, and I'm afraid the book will bring down your style. The most important thing to do is shut up about Dumbledore. Nothing happened! There's no need to cry! Just, grow a spine, woud you?

One Heck of a Street Direction

Has anybody tried Google Earth? It's like Google Maps, except much more competant. Well, so I thought... up until I was given this street direction:

Just plow through the back of the house; I'm sure the owners won't mind! The insurance will cover it!
I'm just glad robots aren't driving cars yet.

Comment Rule #1 Explained

Some people thought I was stuck up adding the rule, "I'm always right, deal with it." I've been straining for a way to make people understand why I added that rule, because at the moment people think I'm just self absorbed (note: you are allowed to break that rule if you e-mail me instead of commenting). Finally, I found the following cartoon. In it, Einstein represents me, and the kid represents my commentor.

Click here to see cartoon.

See, isn't that little kid annoying? If only I could do to my commentors what Einstein did to the kid! Maybe then they'd follow the rules.

By the way, this is just a filler post to test out my new way of doing comments, as well as Atom Subscribtion commenting (which should have just been added). Please comment on this post, even if it doesn't contribute to jack (until I declare this post absolete). Thank you.

(Update: Atom comments didn't work. I'll find another way to make them.)

War of the Worlds Review

Finally, a scary movie that's actually scary. I was beginning to wonder if a movie even could scare me.
I saw War of the Worlds today. That movie was awesome! Okay, so Stephen Spielberg went on his usual bout of accuracy before awesomeness, but there was enough people frying and building crushing to suffice. By the way, don't bring kids to this movie.
The movie, for those who didn't know, is based on H G Wells' novel of the same title, except placed in the early 21st century. A divorced Dad is taking care of his children, when suddenly aliens attack. He then attempts to bring his children back to their mother. It sounds like the perfect B movie, but Stephen Spielberg did it, and he can't make crap (even though he seems to be trying).
I can't say much or I'll ruin the movie, but let's just say that there's never a dull moment. It's not quotable though. Only one line was even memorable... wait, I forgot that line too. On a scale of 1 to 10, this movie ranks about 8, just because Spielberg worries far too much on realism over filling the thing with awsome lines and butt kicking.
So go ahead and see it; just don't expect it to be your cliché alien invasion movie.

Independance Day Is Not For Passing Out!

I tricked you with the title.  I didn't pass out; my brother did.
It was the 3rd of July (for you Euros out there, that's the day before one of the biggest holidays in the USA).  I'd stayed home from church because I'd left many important parts of my church clothes back at my dorm (I was visiting my famiy for the Independance Day weekend).  So about 2 and 1/2 hours later, Lindsey comes home baring the following ill news.

Chris, Johnny just passed out and hit his head. He's in the hospital with amnesia.

Dangit!  So I rush to put on my shoes so I can go see if he's doing alright, and I go in and see him laying there all scraped up, and not even able to remember that tommorow was the 4th of flippin' July (note for the Euros: Independance Day).  I tell you, I was worried for the boy.
I waited with Grandma and my little sister in the waiting room, praying that my brother would get better, when this family who was at church when Johnny passed out and hit his head.  I forget what they said exactly, except that their daughter was going to BYU in the fall.  That's cool, because she's hot!  To get an idea, take the hottest movie star actress you can think of, and multiply by 3.  Better yet, she seemed unable to take her eyes off me.  Oh yeah, she wants me!
Okay, maybe it was because I was the only guy under the age of 50 in the room at the time, but I'm not so sure that's why she couldn't look away.  Besides, she seemed exited I'm going to BYU.  I'm going to have to look her up.
That's going to be hard, though, because I didn't get her name or anything, due to the fact that I had a brother in the friggin' hospital at the time.  It just didn't seem important.  Now that I know Johnny was fine (just a little dehydration), I wish I'd been thinking more clearly.  Man, she was hot!

My Toe!!!

Okay; here's something I never want to hear my toe surgeon say during surgery again.

You didn't want that toe, did you?

Agh. I hate it when doctors joke like that. I was already stressed out enough from the fact that he was going to be digging into my toe with a knife and burning out the nerves inside. I suppose it's better than the German toe surgeon, though.

Me: OW!

German Toe Surgeon: You can still feel that? *snip*

Me: Yes!

And the German doctor just goes on operating anyway! I felt the whole flippin' thing! And what's worse, he didn't fix it! I had to have the same procedure done again once I got back to the States!
I can only take solace in the fact that this time it was properly numbed. I just hope it worked this time.

The Scaring Game

Years ago, when I was still very young, my cousins, siblings and I invented the greatest game in the world: the scaring game. The whole point of the game is to scare the pants off of somebody wandering aimlessly around a dark room. My cousins, siblings and I play without points, but points can be awarded for each time you scare someone.
Just saturday was my 5 year old cousin's first time playing. He hasn't started kindergarten yet.
This kid was good. He found every hiding place that my siblings, other cousins and I were too big to fit into anymore. He snuck out of places we'd forgotten existed! And what's more, he was even able to slink around the basement we were playing in unseen when it was his turn to be scared, denying us many of our best hiding spot.
This was after the rest of our family insisted he was too young.
People have too little faith in small children. Small children can handle alot if given a chance. So the next time you see a child, offer to scare the pants off of said child.