Message Boards Are Good

I need people to use my message board. I've even changed one of the rules on it to make it more fun. You will be transferred there shortly. It doesn't matter what you post; just post something! There's even a flaming forum if you want to bash me, whether for a good reason or not. Be aware of the new rule if you're going to the flaming forum; although I won't ban you from there, there is another surprise.

Violence is Good

Hippies everywhere, you are fools. I've been thinking so hard the universe imploded twice and I had to build a time machine to go fix it so nobody would know. If you think long and hard, you realize violence will save the world.
Now, there's a lot of you out there who haven't thought this through. You keep living in this utopian fantasy you've built in your head where everybody loves eachother, and we all smoke pot. First, I'm never smoking pot. Second, no matter what you do somebody will always hate you.
Given that, the only way to achieve peace is to become a powerful jerk who doesn't take crap from anybody. Let's take the war in Afghanistan, for example. The Taliban thought that they could fend off the United States. Why? Because too many of us have this hippy crap drilled into our skulls. They realize that we'll try to cause as little lifeloss as possible. However, if we were to bring back the styling we had at Nagasaki in WWII, any government in the world would think twice before crossing us. The Taliban would have handed over Osama bin Laden already if the US kicked that much butt.
Now, I know what you're thinking. If the US had the power to strike fear into the hearts of everyone, some moron would get elected who would abuse this awsome power for his own purposes. I've already thought of that. You see, all we have to do is build a robot that will pass judgement according to democracy (except when everyone's being idiots, then he takes charge like a robot should). Sure it'll cost a lot, but it's worth it for world peace.
If you know his e-mail, send this to the president of the United States.

I Know Everything

Yeah, that title is a bit self-concieted. But so what? I tried this before when I was getting less traffic, so let's try this again. I can answer every question. Click the link below for more info on this claim.
Last time I tried this, people didn't know what I meant. I started getting trivia. Why waste such a talent on trivia? Any trivia sent to me will be ignored. Send me deeply theological questions, like "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and I'll make up an answer off the top of my head. Since I know everything, it'll have to be right, no matter how messed up it is.
This will be sort of like the expired comic, Captain Ribman.
Send your questions to leo.damascus@gmail.com.

To get things rolling, how about if I anser that example question.
Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A: It has to be the chicken. Otherwise, how the heck did the egg get here? Some people may think you can't get the chicken without the egg, but they're forgetting the awsome power of radiation. The chicken is a radioactive mutation of clowns. Where did the clowns come from? Somebody bought them off Ebay. Ebay has always existed; it just hasn't always been on the Internet.
There's no way you can argue with that.

Stuff that Annoys Me

The next time somebody tries to pass me on when I'm travelling the speed limit, their car will be mysteriously rammed off the road. Heck, I like to go just as fast as the other guy, but these people are going to cost me $60 for a speeding ticket by making me think I'm going slow.
Another thing that annoys me is how some bloggers like to stop their preview right in the middle of the sentance, like anybody cares.... Ok, actually I'm making fun of these people who feel that clicking to continue reading is such a big chore.
Lazy Blog Reader: 0 n0 he r teh make me click taht r s0 hard!!!!1
These people need to be irradicated from the face of the planet. A click is not a hard thing to do, especially when it saves you time from the scrolling wheel. These people seriously need to take a web design class sometime in their lives! Call themselves net-savy!
I also hate how I was forced to move out of my dorm. My family is leaving for Washington D.C. before I move in, so pretty soon I'm going to be completely homeless. Not to mention, I had to move everything, when I had spent the previous night up all night cleaning for this stupid move.
Ok, glad I got that off my chest. You may continue wasting your life away.

Spambots!

If you look at the comments for my last post, you'll see I've been hit by spambots. That is, you will if I haven't deleted them by the time you read this post.
Now somebody's going to call me on hypocrisy for this one. "Chris, you said you don't mind ads!" That's true, but remember the following:

1. I have a section of my message board dedicated to random ads. It's empty and needs to be used.
2. Comment rule #4 states that I don't want spam. That means comments must be relevant.

Here's an example of what was posted:

President Bush Indicted for Podcasting?
Two pieces of blog related news today centered around the President of the United States have nothing to do with his stance on speaking with Iraq War protesters, making millions by injecting Jose Canseco and ...

I really enjoy reading your blog. Another bookmark, I would say.

_______________
teenage hairloss [link removed] related stuff!

The article was about werewolves. I assume the spambot programmer decided I wouldn't delete the post if it sounded like I'd made a fan, hence the bookmark comment. Then there's all of that Bush crap. The programmer figured all blogs talk about Bush, and never vampires and werewolves, therefore nobody would notice this. And lastly, the actual ad. It scanned the post and noticed the words hairy and conditioner. I was talking about werewolves when I said hairy, and conditioner to emphasize how gay vampires are.
Checkmate, spambot! You've been discoverd!
I don't care about hairloss. Baldness does not run in my family, and I've got more hair on my head than Robin Williams has on his whole body! I'm happy with my hair!
Too bad spammer. Better luck next time!

Werewolves are Better than Vampires

This has been a subject of heated discussion for me lately. I mean, who the heck would want to be a vampire? Vampires are gay!
Case in point, look at this guy:



What's he going to do, kill you with his conditioned hair? Or better yet, slap you with his limp wrist (which is covered by his frilly dress, by the way)?
Now, sure there's this whole sucking your blood thing which is pretty rugged, but nothing compared to any other monster.
If a monster were to bite me and turn me into it, I'd much rather it were a werewolf. I mean, look at how awsome they are!



Oh man, I get goosebumps just thinking about how awsome being a werewolf would be! Somebody looks at you wrong and their voicebox is dangling in your teeth! Not to mention you're a hairy beast!
Let's compare their weaknesses, because weaknesses are what will stop you from being the awsome monster you are.

Werewolves:
Silver Bullet

That's it. Nothing else can kill a werewolf. On the other hand, what about vampires?

Vampires:
The Sun
Garlic
Wooden Stake
Lowercase letter "t"

How many people are carrying around a silver bullet? And better yet, if you can afford the silver bullet, how'd you afford the gun? Only rich people can kill werewolves, and they're usually too big of pansies to do that anyway. Any idiot with two sticks can make a cross, though. So werewolves win!
Plus werewolves aren't assosiated with goths. Friggin' goths! Ugh, now I hate vampires even more!
Lousy vampires!

Format?

I pride myself on my blog's ability at interaction. I mean, I put on a link to my AIM account, I've got a link to my e-mail, I have comments, I have a message board, etc. I've even been asking about my blog in other forums. Consequently, I've been getting some feedback on my blog, and the only real critisism was my multi-page layout, which I chose to clean things up. So now I present the following poll:
Click Here to Vote
Personally, I'm voting for my way, since I went to so much trouble to create it, and after all, it worked for Maddox. He currently outranks XiaXue, another blogger in my same genre who uses the other format.

Why I'm Also and Idiot

I know what you all are thinking: *gasp* *shock* *horror* Chris
admitting to idiocy? Yes I am, although not the worst I've had
recently. The worst has to be the guy who lit his own pants on fire
yesterday and took 2 minutes putting it back out. At one point he was even just standing there with his pants ablaze, not taking any action.
But even so, I've finally learned the following lesson:
Sleep is a nessecary evil.
Last night marked the first time I've attempted to stay up all night. I
did not go to sleep at all last night. I even downed sugar water to
make sure I stay up all night. I made it to 24 and a half hours until I passed out.
That means I lost the contest to stay up. Travis, I think, is the winner, with 27 hours without sleep.
This contest kills you the next day. I mean, absolutely no getting up to finish
anything. So now I ... *snores*

The Word "Probably"

Have you ever noticed how often idiots use the word "probably?" It's only one thing in the whole profile of things that make idiots, but today it just hit me.
I don't mean using "probably" such as in: I should probably do this, but I'd rather not. I mean the use of probably where people take hypothetical situations as evidence. For example, there's this gem from my own hate mail:

she was probably looking at a picture of brigham young BEHIND your ugly @#% and comparing you two.

You see, he's making the assumption that

a. There was a picture of Brigham Young in the room.
b. That it happened to be in my eyes.

And as soon as he finds out that none of the above is true, his comment is thrown completely out the window. And that always happens when you pretend something that probably happened/will happen is ample evidence.
So that you know I am not being entirely presumptuous, I also present the following not related to this blog.

classic rock music is what started the music that you probably listen to today.

Am I the only one noticing a grammatical pattern here? It seems like use of the word "probably" has a direct correlation with not capitalizing the first letter in a sentence. Now, I'm not saying all people who don't capitalize use probably as evidence; I'm just saying they're morons.
Like in the previous example, this person is also making assumptions.

a. This guy listens to music inspired by classic rock (even though he said he respected classical music).
b. His comment means jack.

I mean, seriously, who cares what inspired what?
Let me clarify quickly, because I like some classic rock (Doobie Brothers, Queen, some Beach Boys, and others). The classic rock referred to in this comment is the bubblegum of the old days, such as the Beetles or the Monkees. A prime example of what I'm talking about includes the Monkees, actually.
Smashmouth "I'm a Believer" vs. Monkees "I'm a Believer."
It's the same song, except Smashmouth's came a whole lot later. But the Monkees had an awful part where they tried to pass of "De Doom De Doom De" as a legitimate instrumental. Smashmouth realized that that was killing the whole song, and replaced it instead with a guitar solo, which instantly made the song less awful and more awesome.
I'll keep you posted on that list. But now I'm tired, and I want some sleep. So in closing, I am your master.

The Frog

I've developed a new mathematical formula: C = P. This formula refers to any object in the world. C is the object's crappiness, and P is it's popularity. Examples include (not in order of crappiness):
1. Eminem
2. Anime
3. Vampires
4. (See picture below)

"Crazy Frog has held No 1 spot for five weeks on the Eurochart. It also ranks No 2 in Finland, No 2 in Sweden, No 2 in Austria, No 1 in Wallonia, and No 1 in Norway. Estimated European sales are over one million to date." (http://top40-charts.com/news.php?nid=16407)

During my 3 1/2 years in Europe, the last two where sheer torture, mostly due to that stupid frog ring tone, which aired on TV commercials nearly every commercial break (sometimes twice), and on people's cell phones. It features a frog, with anatomy usually non-existent in frogs, pretending he's on a motorcycle with a high pitched engine (Click here to hear it, but you'll be sorry). Now I come to learn that the USA has picked up on it too!
Not in my country!
So here's my plan. First off, I train a bunch of babies from birth to become ninjas. These ninjas will be pre-programmed to destroy any phones using, radios playing, TVs displaying, or people imitating that stupid frog (by the way, I mean Batman Begins style ninjas, not anime scantily clad female style "ninjas"). Once all my ninjas are capable of pulling out a guy's heart and showing it to him, I'll find the moron responsible for this frog and unleash my ninjas. One of them will rip out his voicebox and feed it to the bloodhounds that'll appear out of nowhere. Another will rip off his fingers, so he can't do anything with cell phones anymore. Then the last one will gut him for good measure.
I hate that frog.